Monday, 10 January 2011

The Night Terrors

I've been holding off writing this for a while, for the strange reason that I didn't want to look like an idiot. Which I realised was a completely idiotic position given some of the fumduckery I've splashed around on this very blog. In for a penny, in for a pound.

Lately, I think I've been dreading the prospect of going to bed. This isn't anything new, and in fact is a lot milder than the last time I went through something like this. I thank the flying spaghetti monster I'm not as miserable as I was back then.

In the darkness and silence of nighttime I often have trouble sleeping, because bereft of external stimuli to work on my mind switches inwards, pulling out and dissecting thoughts, feelings and memories. As you can probably guess, there are a fair few memories I possess that I do not wish to revisit. It's easy to avoid doing when I can throw my mind out into the world.

That's much harder to do at bedtime when I'm alone with my thoughts. I am vexed by my inability to turn my mind away from thoughts of She. Oh there are plenty of good memories alright, but then comes the day of the phone call that put paid to my hopes of staying in the US, and my chance to stay with her. Then comes the frustration of the idea that the only reason why I have this hole in my heart is for want of one job. Then comes the analysis of all the flaws in that idea.

Of which there are many: How do you know you wouldn't have broken up if you were anywhere but where she is? What about her family? What about yours? How do you know you won't feel expendable again? Hell, you're no saint. What if you break her heart like you did the other love of your life? Thou villain.

And a voice inside me screams "I don't fucking care, I just want to hold her!"

And just what would happen if my desire were granted? Love doesn't conquer all. You need a plan, and my last plan came to naught. The only viable option was to split. The agreement to stay out of contact was right. I am dead to her now, and it is killing me, but deep down I know it is the right thing. I lost to the economy, and the insane barriers to entry in my field. I need to move on. I have to give her the space she needs to move on.

I go through some version of this almost every night, and it sucks.

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